But this, this perplexing silence, fits awe.
Glory brilliant trails debris made beautiful in the burn. Most awe-full silence without even a gasp.
I see it.
I feel it.
I hope it.
That is, for debris somehow made beautiful as it burns away and is heaved out. Flung and glory trailed. Even at the same time.
My heart is mapped for this. I think to myself thoughts charted in the Word. Chartered by God. And there rises from the wet depths of my heart this Word. I have found the “You Are Here” marker.
At the beginning. Again.
Where God thought “light” before He spoke the word and before darkness knew what would pierce it.
Where Love came down from Heaven and was seared white hot through with nails to know what sears through me, and sympathize.
And where there is mighty heave of heart. His and mine.
Mine heaves broken trust. Deferred hope. Scattered faith. Or tries. Rocky debris all massed in my heart.
How do I stop this spin that makes my heart so heavy? This cyclical reminder of why trust, hope, faith are so scattered in me?
I don’t. I can’t.
I lean back on nodding, bowing boat seat. And Word leans long light across my soul, “Trust Me with all your heart…”
I nod and bow.
“…and lean not on your own understanding…”
And the Milky Way leans halo over me.
“…in all your ways acknowledge Me…”
Faint pathway above. Spilled milk across galaxy floor.
…”and I shall direct your paths.”(ref. Proverbs 3:5)
Glow coming from somewhere past. Going to where I don’t know.
My heart hears, but doesn’t understand it very well. Could it be because I start with what heaves out of my heart and not His? Start with the evidence I keep colliding with? A cloud of debris I spin through, and not with evidence filling all that spins and leans across the universe and earth while Living Water and I bob beneath it all?
He heaves glory. Again, I saw it burn down across sky. Glory comes over my rock heavy heart silently and in marvelous display. Glory fire burns up rock.
I saw it.
Saw it burn.
What can I say? “Lift me up, Lord.”
And the lift is in the heave. In the humbling of vast me. And, yes, what starts in my heart must be touched by His white hot glory. And flung as far as the east is from the west.
Flung as far as the cloud surrounding the solar system is from Lake Texoma where I float on Living Water. Where waves lap her hull and where I bow before God.
Milky Way disappears in moon light. No more fire skids across the sky. But glory is blazing trail across my soul tonight.
“You are guiding me tonight,” I awe.
“I receive you to My glory,” His Word swallows me up.
“Whom have I in heaven but You?” I simply awe again. “And there is none on earth that I desire besides You," I breath ragged. "My flesh and my heart fail broken. Deferred. Scattered,” I heave it all out there.
“I am the strength of your heart,” burns white hot Word.
And there it is. Debris made beautiful, heart engulfed in fire that burns in glory.
“It is good for me to draw near to You, God.”(ref. Psalm 73:24-26,28)
I’m still bowing.
written by: Carolyn Roehrig