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Wednesday, August 24, 2016

The Only Answer Big Enough (part 2)

Chapter Three

Wilderness questions do not have tame answers. “Because I love you” is not tame or tidy. “Because I love you” is a tough-as-leather answer that sort of takes me by the seat of the pants, brushes me off, and sets me back in the saddle where I was before life bucked me off and I cried out "Why-y."

Maybe all the occasions to ask the question "why," are meant for that very reason because no other answer will challenge my heart the way love answers while at the same time hefting me right back on the same wild horse. 

"Why can't You just give me a tamer horse-tamer circumstances?" I've asked it before, then listened hard to hear an answer like, "because I said so," or some variant just as long as it doesn't challenge too hard.

Maybe every wilderness why that jostles out through rattling teeth, true and crumpled and breathless, is a chance to enter His gates and courts with thanksgiving. A crumpled why can become a thank You.

Maybe every why is answered, “Because I love you,” and every why is chance to say, “Thank You.”

Girl on Horse

And maybe that's when I learn how to stay in the saddle while life gallops wild, and it starts to feel more like a crazy dance across the wilderness and I start to feel I can surrender to God's wild love.

What if I trusted like that? Trusted His “Because I love you” answer? Trusted my racing heart to His answer?

I want to find out the answer to that. And then I want to answer "Because I love You" with "How," and see where that gets me.

Do I dare trust His love when love doesn't look the way I thought it would? It feels risky to trust when it doesn't feel like a dance, yet. 

It hurts to have trust issues, and hurts scary to wonder if God is trustworthy. 

It's a wild, out-in-the-middle-of-nowhere feeling to wonder like that. I know because I've wondered before, "Are You trustworthy?" and been afraid He'd say, "Yes," because that gives no indication that He's going to trade in the wild horse called life that I'm wanting relief from. 

It also means that I'm going to find out the right question to be asking, "Am I trustworthy;" and the answer to that question is like trading the wild horse up for a bull ride. 

I am not trustworthy, and that's the honest truth about me. I don't trust myself any further than the tip of my tongue behind closed lips, because it can cluck just fine even when my teeth are clenched. Oh, I'll do what I say I'm going to do, as long as it's possible. I'll follow through, unless there's a bend on the trail I didn't see coming. I'll even tell the truth. But none of these things make me trustworthy to relinquish in surrender to "Because I love you."

"Because I love you," He says, "I have given you My name." 

Yeah, that challenges my heart. That's a big answer to "Why am I still in this saddle?" and "How does that look like You love me?"

It doesn’t happen overnight, trust. 

I'm prone to answer, “I’ll be there in a minute!” when He bids, “Come to Me.” Prone to trust my own timing. 

I'm prone to say, “Hold on; I’ve almost got this figured out!” when He says, “Learn from Me.” Prone to trust my ways.

I'm prone to say, “I’m almost done with this,” when He says, “Let’s do this together.” Prone to trust my own works.

Trust; it doesn’t happen because of everything I’ve read and studied or doctrines I’ve followed. 

And when I crumple, His gentle heart catches mine. 

His fingers tune the taut strings in my heart and strum the tension, “Hum, hum, hum, hum, this I know.” It starts down low—the hum, my theme song, my duet with God.

Girl Dancing

“Dance with Me,” He says because He’s already dancing to His own love. He takes me in His arms and dances me across the floor of His heart.

“Today you have this assurance: ‘I love you,’ and this purpose: ‘Love Me.’”

I'm still in the saddle on a wild horse called life, but it's becoming a dance. It really is.

Your Love Feels Like Heaven
Lord, You’ve searched me and known me.
You know when I rise up,
Ev’ry step that I’m taking,
Ev’ry word that’s on my tongue.
If I take the wings of the morning,
If I fly away,
Even there You shall lead me
To You, and the night shines as day.
Marvelous are Your works, God.
You gave my heart the rhythm it beats.
How great are Your thoughts to me.
Your love feels like heaven to me.
Falling in love with You, Lord,
You’ve gotten under my soul.
Ten thousand words aren’t enough to say
Your love feels like heaven to me.
Breathe on me, banner of breath.
Strum my heart with Your words.
I will lift up my soul to bless You.
I’m falling in love with You more.

—Carolyn-Elizabeth Roehrig

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